Bejeepers! What have we next to the SECC?! Unbeknownst to the BBC and STV over the Clyde, and the Daily Record next door, a flying saucer has landed and green men are walking around it! Aliens threatening the Leader’s Speech!
And my goodness, what is this giant cocoon near the SECC, with, no doubt, a giant feral butterfly due to emerge just in time to wreck questions to the Federal Conference committee?
And, crikey, how on earth did the police and girls and boys in trenchcoats miss this? A massive Syrian missile launcher poised to lower its proboscis and create mayhem during the speech by the Rt Hon Danny Alexander!